The Book of Practice

What Is T-Group?

T-Group is a present-moment relational practice. It is the practice of reporting and revealing your lived experience in real time, in the presence of others.

Rather than discussing ideas, analyzing situations, or telling stories about your life, T-Group invites you into direct contact with:

• what you are feeling
• what you are sensing in your body
• what stories you are making up about others
• how you are experiencing connection

The group itself becomes the curriculum.

What We Work With in T-Group

Noticing (observable reality)

A noticing is an observation of something that is directly perceivable and would generally be agreed upon by everyone in the room.

Noticings stay close to observable reality.

Examples:

A useful question is:

If we paused the group and asked everyone present, would they generally agree this happened?

If the answer is yes, you're likely in the realm of noticing.

Stories (what you tell yourself to be true)

Your interpretations of others:

• projections
• assumptions
• judgments
• conclusions
• meaning-making

Example:

Feelings (emotions)

Actual emotional states: sadness, fear, anger, joy, shame, excitement, tenderness.

Important distinction:

Somatic Sensations

What is happening in the body:

• tight jaw
• shallow breath
• heat in cheeks
• heaviness in chest
• buzzing, tingling, contraction

Impact on Connection

How your experience affects closeness:

Impulses vs. Desires

Impulse

An impulse is an immediate urge to take a specific action.

Examples:

In T-Group, we name impulses rather than automatically acting on them.

Desire

A desire is something you want to experience, feel, create, or move toward.

Examples:

Desires often point to deeper longings, needs, or values.

In T-Group, you name the desire to more deeply reveal and understand your experience.

Present-Moment Orientation

The focus of our practice is on what is happening between us and inside of us in the present moment.

Rather than discussing ideas, analyzing the past, or telling stories about people outside the room, we practice bringing our attention to what is unfolding right here and right now.

T-Group can be understood as a form of relational meditation. We're in a shared practice of noticing and reporting our real-time experience as it emerges in connection with others.

The invitation is to stay with what is alive in this moment: what we are feeling, sensing, imagining, wanting, and experiencing in relationship to self, other, group, environment as it unfolds.

When Noticing Becomes Story

The moment we begin interpreting, judging, assuming, or adding meaning to what we've noticed, we move into story.

Neither noticing nor story is wrong. Stories are an important part of the practice.

The distinction is that we name stories as stories rather than unconsciously treating them as objective truth.

A Common T-Group Structure

Many participants naturally begin their reporting with a noticing and then move into their experience.

Or:

This structure helps separate:

• What was observed (noticing)
• The meaning made about it (story)
• The emotional impact it had (feeling)

Why This Matters

Many relational conflicts arise when we mistake our stories for objective reality.

Instead of saying: "You're judging me."

We can say:

This creates more ownership, more curiosity, and more room for genuine connection. The goal is not to eliminate stories. The goal is to become aware of the moment we leave observation and enter interpretation, so that we can hold our stories with greater humility and flexibility.

Headline & Origin Headline

Headline

A headline is a brief description of something happening outside of the room that is informing your current experience.

Rather than telling a long story about what happened, we use a headline to provide context and then return our attention to what is happening inside of us in the present moment.

For example, instead of spending several minutes talking about your boss, you might say:

The focus remains on your present-moment experience, not the outside context itself.

Origin Headline (advanced)

Connecting present experience to earlier life patterns.

Example:

This gives us information about how our old wounds, conditioning, and past may be affecting our current relationships and emotions. It helps us see the connection between what happened then and how we're showing up, feeling, and relating now.

What Does This Say About Me?

In T-Group, we are mirrors for one another. It can be easy to become focused on what someone else is doing, not doing, or what we think about them. Sometimes we have strong stories about another person. Other times, we become very curious about them.

Both can be opportunities to turn the lens back toward ourselves.

A useful question is:

What does this say about me?

For example:

Rather than staying focused on the other person, you might ask:

Perhaps it reveals:

• I feel unsafe when I don't feel accepted.
• I want approval.
• I don't like being judged.
• I have a tendency to hide when I fear criticism.

Often, what we are most focused on in another person can reveal something important about our own fears, needs, desires, or wounds. This practice helps us move from blaming, analyzing, or fixating on others toward deeper self-awareness and vulnerability.

After sharing a story about someone else, you turn inward.

Example:

This shifts:

Working with Stories

Naming Stories

Always name stories as stories:

This creates distance between you and the interpretation.

Rating Your Story

One way to work with stories is to notice how strongly you believe them. You can rate your story on a scale from 1–10.

Examples:

The practice is not to make the story right or wrong, but to notice how tightly you are holding it and how that affects your experience. You might notice:

• How strongly you feel your emotions
• What happens in your body
• How it impacts connection
• Whether you feel open, closed, curious, or certain

When I Don't Believe My Story

Another way to work with stories is to experiment with what happens when you loosen your grip on them. A useful question is:

What happens when I don't believe that story?

This is not about convincing yourself the story is false. It is an opportunity to explore what changes when you hold the story less tightly. For example:

Sometimes nothing changes. Sometimes a new feeling emerges. Sometimes a new story appears. The practice is to notice what happens when you experiment with holding your story more lightly.

Primary and Secondary Emotions

Often, the emotions we first notice and report are secondary emotions. These emotions may be more familiar, more accessible, and more connected to our habitual ways of responding.

Primary emotions are often deeper, more vulnerable, and less frequently shared. As part of the practice, you can become curious about what might be underneath the emotion you're reporting.

Example: Anger (secondary) may be protecting sadness (primary).

Beneath frustration there may be hurt. Beneath anger there may be fear. Beneath irritation there may be sadness or longing. The invitation is not to bypass the secondary emotion, but to explore whether there is something deeper that wants to be revealed.

This can be a powerful practice of vulnerability and self-discovery. By becoming willing to contact and share primary emotions, we create new ways of knowing ourselves and allowing ourselves to be known by others.

Reporting vs. Revealing

An important aspect of the practice is the distinction between reporting and revealing. Reporting is naming what is happening. Revealing goes further:

• sharing what feels vulnerable
• naming what is less obvious
• risking something that feels exposed, tender, or uncomfortable

Transformation often happens when we move beyond simply reporting our experience and begin revealing the deeper truths, fears, desires, longings, and vulnerabilities underneath it.

Name the Thing, Don't Do the Thing

One of the core practices of T-Group is learning to name our habitual relational strategies rather than automatically acting them out.

Many of us have learned ways of protecting ourselves, gaining approval, avoiding conflict, managing perception, or securing connection. These strategies often happen so quickly and automatically that we don't even realize we're doing them.

In T-Group, we practice bringing awareness to these impulses and reporting on them instead of immediately acting on them. This creates choice and self-awareness instead of automatic behavior.

By naming the impulse rather than acting on it, we gain insight into the strategies we habitually use in relationship. This allows us to relate with more awareness, authenticity, and choice.

No One Makes You Feel…

A common habit is to say:

In T-Group, the invitation is to simply say:

This helps us take ownership of our emotional experience rather than making someone else responsible for it, or blaming them for it. We may be feeling something in response to what another person said or did, but we recognize that our feelings belong to us.

This simple shift helps us take responsibility for our experience while still acknowledging the impact others have on us. It creates more ownership, less blame, and often leads to deeper understanding and connection.

Update

Update is a simple but powerful move that helps you stay connected to your present-moment experience.

Sometimes, as you begin reporting or revealing, you notice that your experience changes in the middle of sharing. What felt true a few moments ago may no longer be true now.

When this happens, simply say:

…and then report what is true in this moment.

For example:

Or:

The practice of updating helps us stay connected to what is happening now rather than remaining attached to what was true a few moments ago. It reminds us that our experience is fluid and encourages greater awareness, flexibility, and presence.

Using an update helps cultivate flexibility and shows us that our experience is constantly changing. Rather than staying attached to a past state, we practice reporting what is most true in the present moment.

Old Me, New Me

Old Me, New Me is an advanced practice that can be especially helpful once you have developed some awareness of your habitual patterns through T-Group and feedback from others.

The practice invites you to notice the difference between your conditioned response and the response you are consciously cultivating.

You can report on what the "old me" would think, feel, believe, desire, or do in a particular moment. This is often the familiar habit, protective strategy, or automatic pattern.

Then you can explore what the "new me" experiences instead.

For example:

This practice helps illuminate the choices available to us in any given moment. Rather than being unconsciously driven by old patterns, we begin to recognize our capacity to respond in new ways.

What T-Group Is Not

T-Group is not a normal conversation.

We are intentionally stepping outside many of the habits and social conventions that shape everyday interactions. We are not here to debate, philosophize, analyze the world, tell long stories about our lives, give advice, coach one another, fix each other, or convince others of our point of view.

We are also not obligated to respond to everything someone says. Unlike a typical conversation, there is no expectation that you engage, reassure, explain yourself, defend yourself, or keep the discussion moving forward.

While we may naturally desire connection, understanding, approval, or agreement, T-Group is not a place where we are trying to get those needs met. Instead, we practice noticing and reporting our experience as it unfolds in real time.

Edge and Ground of Health

T-Group encourages us to share things that feel edgy, vulnerable, or that we might not normally say in everyday life. These kinds of reveals often contain valuable information about our experience and can lead to deeper self-awareness and connection.

At the same time, we are always balancing edge with ground of health.

Ground of health refers to the level of trust, safety, connection, and relational foundation that exists between people. An edgy share that may be appropriate with someone you have built trust with may not be appropriate with someone you just met.

The practice is not simply to say the most provocative or vulnerable thing. The practice is to consider both the value of the reveal and the health of the relationship or group receiving it.

Ground of health is the ground upon which deeper and edgier reveals can rest. When there is trust, care, safety, and connection present, people are often more able to receive difficult or vulnerable truths without becoming overwhelmed or defensive.

Without that foundation, an edgy share may be more disruptive than transformative. Part of the practice is learning to build group health through small moments of honesty, vulnerability, care, and connection, creating a foundation that can support deeper reveals as trust develops.

As we develop discernment, we learn to balance authenticity with care, honesty with responsibility, and edge with connection.

Other People's Stories Are Not Your Stories

When someone shares a story about you, it is important to remember that it is their story and their experience of you, not objective reality or truth.

The practice is to neither automatically take it on as truth nor immediately dismiss it. Instead, notice what happens inside of you. Do you feel a desire to defend, explain, justify, or convince? Can you stay curious about those impulses?

At the same time, other people's stories can provide valuable information about how you are impacting them. While their story may not be the truth, it may contain useful data about how you are being perceived or experienced.

The Spirit of the Practice

T-Group is called a training group for a reason.

We come here to strengthen our capacity for self-awareness, emotional regulation, relational skillfulness, and authenticity. This is not about showing up perfectly, getting it right, or already knowing how to do the practice. In fact, part of the practice is noticing when you don't know what to do, when you feel messy, reactive, confused, defensive, scared, or uncertain.

The facilitators are there to support the practice, and like any practice, it develops over time. The more you engage with it, the more capacity, awareness, and skill you build.

A useful metaphor is a martial arts dojo. If you looked into a dojo from the outside and didn't know what was happening, you might assume the people inside didn't like each other. You would see people punching, kicking, grappling, and challenging one another. But the people inside know they are training together so they can be more skillful in real-life situations.

T-Group is similar. We are practicing with one another so that we can become more conscious, resilient, and skillful in our relationships outside the room. Sometimes the practice may leave us with a bump or a bruise. We may feel hurt, uncomfortable, challenged, or exposed. But the intention is never harm. The intention is growth, learning, and deeper connection.

At its heart, T-Group is a practice of increasing our capacity to be with direct experience. Our own and other people's. It helps us develop greater awareness, deeper intimacy, stronger relationships, and more freedom in how we respond to life.

There is also an element of reverence to the practice. While T-Group is not a religious practice, many people experience it as sacred. Just as some martial arts traditions bow before stepping onto the mat, we can bring a similar spirit of respect, care, and intentionality to this work. Treating the practice with reverence often deepens what becomes possible within it.

T-Group is a space where:

• you say more truth than you usually would
• you slow down enough to notice what is actually happening
• you allow yourself to be seen
• you practice being with others in a more real way

Facilitator Discernment

While T-Group is a place to explore vulnerable, honest, and edgy material, not every topic is appropriate for every group or every stage of a group's development.

As facilitators, we reserve the right to redirect or reshape a share if we believe a particular topic is not well-suited for the container at that time.

Whenever possible, we will support the underlying feelings, sensations, desires, and relational impact while helping shift the focus away from content that may not best serve the group's learning or health.